


Loose Ends

by sugarskrub



Category: Future Card Buddyfight
Genre: Abusive Parents, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Misgendering, but i just want to warn people before they stumble on it, this is a standing up to ur abusers fic so sdjfsijal, tw for misgendering and abusive fathers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-10
Updated: 2019-09-10
Packaged: 2020-10-13 16:30:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20585555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarskrub/pseuds/sugarskrub
Summary: Gaito Kurouzu is his own person.No matter what that long estranged former father of his wants to believe.





	Loose Ends

** _Memories, burned into my mind._ **

** _Things I want to forget._ **

** _I’m not about to forgive._ **

** _Why? You could’ve stopped it then._ **

** _But you chose not to._ **

My life’s changed for the better since leaving. Even though I remember things in nightmares sometimes, I’ve dreamt terribly of being forced to go back in a way I don’t want -- that I could never want -- I often think it’s better I’ve seen nothing from that man since.

I’ve made real friends. I’m not alone anymore -- it doesn’t hurt to be around people, either.

**But sometimes I remember.**

I wonder if I’ll ever be comfortable with the idea of family, though. I mean, can I really be blamed for that? My last family wasn’t exactly always the nicest. With my mama gone, I can’t imagine the idea of ‘happy family’.

Well, I thought that way for a while, anyway. The Oozoras opened me up to it, a little. We started living together soon after Kanata found out I didn’t have a home. It wasn’t too long before I got used to living with them.

I felt comfortable around them. Not just them, either -- the others, too. I remember when Gao left, it made contact… difficult. I didn’t have any particular affection towards the buddy police, but I started visiting more often a couple years later. Ku had gotten injured, and the whole force was away. I’d always seen her as a little sister figure, so… It was only natural to care for her while Tasuku and them couldn’t.

But still, I couldn’t imagine having ‘my own’ family.

Maybe it stung a little bit -- I know Ku and Tasuku were ‘family’. And Kanata had his mother -- Mrs. Oozora. And… even Miserea had Joker.

… But I didn’t have ‘family’. Not since then. Maybe I’d closed myself to the idea of it -- of a ‘ _ real’  _ family. Abygale was  _ like  _ a brother. Ku was  _ like _ a sister. But they weren’t my ‘big brother’ or my ‘little sister’.

I didn’t have those. I was an only child, after all.

I don’t want to meet my living family. I don’t want to see his face again -- I’m afraid of it. Of having this life stripped away from me. Of losing this happiness I’ve found, all because  _ he’s  _ still alive.

I became strong to protect those I care about… And I don’t want to care about him. I don’t  _ have  _ to care about him.

** _(So why, then?_ **

** _Why do you still breathe_ **

** _Why do I tremble and shake when I see?)_ **

It’s something I didn’t want to confront. I was content for a while, but… He appeared. I wanted it to go away -- to stop.

But this -- could be a chance. To free myself from this. -- So I don’t have to live in fear anymore. In a way, a love letter to my future self, who I have yet to know still. To begin to heal, truly, fully.

I didn’t want to ‘run away’ anymore. So I decided…  I’d speak to him. He couldn’t hurt me here -- I doubt he wanted to deal with my existence much anyway. He probably just wanted to appear as though he cared.

I wasn’t alone, was the thing. That was the thing. I talked about it with Kanata and Mrs. Oozora. I mean, they’d been the ones ‘taking care’ of it for me. They’d been preventing him from seeing me.

They agreed when they saw the look in my eyes. “... I… have to do it.” I said, “I have to speak to him. You’ll… let me do that much, right?”

Kanata nodded, smiling softly. “But please let us be there, okay? You’ve -- told me before. I don’t want you to deal with this alone.”

I could agree, of course. I didn’t want to be alone around him. It made me feel highly unsafe to do so. If I had to confront him, being at Kanata’s side was the safest.

The knock on the door eventually came. I held tightly to Kanata’s hand as we approached, hiding my trembling as best I could.

“I’m looking for Gaito. You can’t keep her from me forever.”

A deep breath. Inhale, exhale. And then, finally... “I’m not a girl. And I’m not going anywhere with you.”

“Excuse me?

“Did you not hear me? Get the _fuck _away from me, or I will call the cops. I know their department plenty personally, _father._” My voice was venomous, spiteful. I didn’t want to deal with him anymore, I wanted him to go away -- but Kanata squeezed my hand and I held back, held strong. “I’m not going anywhere with you. You don’t get to control me like you did before -- I’m not your daughter. I’m not your anything. You don’t own me, and you don’t get to decide for me. I’m a child, still, sure, but I left you for a reason.”

“I’m your father. You  _ have to  _ listen to me.” Venom in his voice, too -- I could recognize it. Things he said in the past.

Words he used.

Things he did.

I refused to go back to it.

My mother was stubborn, too, I suppose -- the whole family was. I took a deep breath, not letting his words control me.

“You’re not my father anymore. As far as I’m concerned, you’re a strange man I don’t care about.”

Would mama hate me in heaven for refusing this? For choosing my own destiny?

… I couldn’t see her doing so. I couldn’t see her being happy with me being miserable.

“You didn’t look for me for four years. You didn’t care for four years. You care now only because I’ve been well-known for over a year now. I don’t want you in my life,  _ Mr. Kurouzu.  _ I want you as far away from it as possible.”

**Am I allowed freedom?**

And I shut the door in his face. And like it’s been holding my breath, I started choking on the air. Kanata kneeled next to me, wrapping his arms around me.

“It’s okay.” He said.

“It’s okay.”

  
  


It would be okay, maybe.

Even if it wasn’t, I wasn’t alone.

Even if it wasn’t, I’d stay with my ‘ _ real family _ ’.

The people I love, right?  
  


Mama, I hope you can hear my words, somehow.

You’ll always be family, because I love you.

I’ll always cherish you in my heart.

One day, if I have a kid, mama… One day, I’ll tell them about you. And I’ll give them lots of love -- love that my own father never gave me. I’ll be a way better father -- so, up in heaven, mama, please give me your blessing.

It’s okay, mama -- I don’t have to see it now. One day, we’ll meet again. Even though I’m “hellspawn”, like he used to say -- it’s okay. We’ll meet one day.

One day, I’ll show you everybody else that I love.

One day, the last of the loose ends will be all tied up.

**Author's Note:**

> i have this power fantasy where i stand up against the things that hurt me in the past and i shut the door on the face of the people who hurt me
> 
> im a coward, though, so i can only live that through fic i write --  
in this lifetime, anyway.


End file.
